YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE

EVIDENCE OF ANCIENT CIVILISATION UNCOVERED

Experts agog!

By a Staff Reporter

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Recent diggings in and around the archaeological site at Brookvale have uncovered new evidence of an ancient civilisation with bizarre ritualised behaviours. Some of the latest findings include:

A society that worshipped "the Jig". Several "jigs" have been unearthed. Before the "jig" came the god of desire, or the "decision book".

Another icon was "the board" to which all would bow in respect before starting worship for the day.

Unexpected quantities of fossilised paper has also been found at this site, suggesting an intense interest in paper-based communication. The quantities involved suggest an unusually educated society, constantly reading texts.

A volcanic eruption covered the site and froze this strange world for posterity. It would seem to indicate a society where short people rule. The bulk of the ruling class, with some notable exceptions such as the giant being found on a mound of fossilised sandwiches, appear to dominate despite their slight stature. The taller beings were herded into small traps called "the office" or "the tea room" and possibly tortured. A small stick of burning organic matter has been found inserted into the mouth of the largest of the "office" beings found.

The true meaning behind many of the strange behaviours may never be found. Archaeologists can only guess, for instance, at the meaning behind one short female's headband. Was she the ruler of this clan? Why was she found holding what for all the world looks like a giant electric blender?

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║ The YGIAGAM CLASSIFIEDS ║

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║ MOVIE REVIEWS! ║

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ASHLEY X

The latest Spike Lee film exposes the discrimination, suffering and denial of rights that Ashley would force on us if we didn't get in first!

GROUP B FROM OUTER SPACE!

Robbie the Robot lands on planet Dryarea and wreaks terrible vengeance on Arturo the Ro-man. Talk about production values! You can talk as much as you like: there aren't any in this film!

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│ MORE FILM REVIEWS!! │

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NIGHT DUTY OF THE LIVING DEAD (extended version)

What a film. An eleven hour epic that takes the movie goer through all of the human emotions, and a few non-human ones as well. From the quiet handover at the beginning of the shift to the frenzy of the morning routine, this one is the real thing. Nothing prepares you for the shocking truth, the realisation that the nightmare is only beginning: there are six more shifts to follow...

GET OUT YOUR TISSUES

French film avec subtitles. The obligatory car chase is given a new twist, but are wheelchairs really as exciting as Renault 5s? Rivals "King Arturo and the Quest for the Holy Ale" for cinematic splendour. Highly recommended.

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║ S P O R T ║

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JOAN COLLINS SIGNS BIG DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH PUBLISHER

Confirmation at last. Faber & Faber has signed Joan Collins to a three novel contract worth millions to both Collins and her agency, The Evil Despot of Kamboring Artist Management Services Pty Ltd (phone 975 1030).

We were lucky to grab Joan for an interview just before she started on her third pulp novel for the day.

Hello, Joan. How are you?

"Cold today"

Are you? Well you could change out of those wet clothes.

"The wet look is in! I like your hair."

Thanks very much, Joan. But your contract, are you happy?

"Are you happy?"

Well, yes, I am, but your contract, Joan. Three years, is it enough?

"Why?"

Why what? Alright, Joan, perhaps you would like to say something about leaving Werkfarce?

"Doesn't matter. Do you know what?"

What, Joan?

"You're a nitwit!"

That may be true, but let's not get personal. Would you care to expand upon the details of your contract?

"Well, it's gotta be better than what I was getting for the sort of pulp I was churning out, hasn't it?"

Were you dissatisfied, then, with Werkfarce?

"Dissatisfied! They kept me part time for three years! That lot are not even worth a pinch."

Really? Any dirt you want us to spread?

"Look, talk with Spumoni on this one, but I think Jo's got a boyfriend!"

You're kidding!

"Hey, that's my line!"